I'm Sick of Hearing About My So Called "Willpower"

My disordered habits, albeit disguised as healthy eating and exercise, are so often perceived as commendable or, dare I say, revered by those who do not realize the amount of time and brain capacity devoted to these aforementioned compulsions.  Several of my co-workers praise my daily sweat sessions at the gym and almost longingly wish that they too could adhere to such a regimented pattern of healthy eating.  My lunches have been nearly the same for over 2 years (And, boy, do people take note!), so it's easy for them to equate my rigidity with this coveted notion of "willpower."  Side note: I absolutely hate when anyone comments about my food choices. For example, "You're getting a salad again?" [This often comes from those most concerned about my habits, who are tired of me restricting.], or "I wish I could be as good as you."  [These come from the so called envious camp.]  Trust me, there's nothing right about what I'm doing.  Polarizing food choices as "good" or "bad" is part of how I fell down this rabbit hole of food obsession.   Please know that an excessive amount of thought goes into every meal selection I make at a restaurant, or a social gathering, so any further attention makes me question my own decisions and amps up my anxiety.  End rant.

I hate this notion of "willpower."  My behaviors should not be admired, or emulated.  I'm merely acting upon compulsions, many of which I've come to despise, yet can't seem to stop.  Nonetheless, I continue to receive such positive reinforcement, followed by a fair share of curiosity.  It seems like I will always be the overweight girl who lost the weight.  I've become that "success" story that naturally invites people to ask, "Well, how did you lose the weight?  What diet plan did you follow?  I really want to lose weight, too."   I politely respond with the quickest, most polite, answer I can muster, "I changed what I ate and I exercise.  I didn't follow any 'formal' diet"  And, I now add the following caveat..."It's still hard everyday."  I then receive a quizzical stare, as if being thin is worth far more than really enjoying food or exercising in ways that feel good to my body. Many also don't seem to realize that after nearly 3 years of completely overhauling my exercise and diet patterns, it's impossible to just resume this so called "normal" living.  And, of course, no one should take advice from me.  Hell, I can't figure out how to transition from weight loss mode to maintenance without fear of my weight ballooning.  I would never suggest that anyone adheres to the practices I follow. After almost a year of denying I had any problem, I now know that I am not healthy.  My behaviors are flawed and my thinking is skewed.  This doesn't feel right anymore.  

I was getting ready for work in my gym's health spa following one of my 5:45am workouts, when I was approached by the mother of a boy (Would he now be deemed a "man?" My Aiken peeps, his name rhymes with "Wustin.") whom I went to elementary school with.  She politely asked me how I was and then followed up with, "You look so great, Andrea."  With a smile on her face she added, "I know you must have worked really hard."  Two years ago I would have beamed after receiving a compliment of this sort.  That morning, though, I felt myself inwardly cringe.  This notion of thinness and weight loss is so highly regarded by our society, particularly women.  Do you think anyone ever made comments about my attractiveness when I was heavier?  Nope.  I guess I should be thankful that I wasn't the recipient of fat shaming. but it's comments like these that only seek to reinforce my unhealthy behaviors.  I quietly thanked her and left.  I felt my blood boiling.

I hate working this hard to maintain my weight.  I hate hearing my alarm blare at 5:04am each day, knowing what I will put my body through in just a matter of minutes.  I hate that I feel as if I have no choice about going to the gym.  Confession: Since moving into my apartment just over 3 months ago, I have only missed 2 morning, weekday workouts.  I don't consider that healthy or admirable. It's scary.  It's compulsive and symptomatic of overexercising.  The fact that I know the exact number, not that it's so hard to forget, is also telling.  This thing called "willpower" is a farce.  Sometimes working hard isn't always a good thing.  I need to keep reminding myself of this.  Maybe one day I'll actually accept this sentiment.